A little thought
i had a weird little thought this morning on the way home from work. Not that it's the first time i've thought of it; only it occured once again, and this seems like the correct alter on which to lay an idea for the church to squish, prod, cursorily wink toward, and, after a good eye-rolling and a dramatic sigh, summarily dismiss. (Or at least that's what i do with most of your ideas.) All that notwithstanding, it may just be the crux of all my theologicalish problems. Thus at yer feet is she hurled:
i was managing a li'l Self-transcendence whilst watching a fairly exciting thunderhead doing its very large, exciting thang in my rear-view, and i couldn't help cogitating on that very Self-transcendence with respect to Heaven: i was thinking of how awfully nice it'd be to be free from my Self there, how tired i am of me, how-- to shamelessly steal some Chris Rice-- "freedom from myself will be the greatest rest i've ever known." But then i thought if i'm so keen to be rid of me, what is it (approximately) that i'm hoping will endure eternally in Heaven. To consider that i'll still be me with the bad bits purged is to consider that there are some essentially good bits to me that are somehow me-defining, i.e., cody. Trouble is i can't imagine what that might be like. If i abstract from me all my good works and finer qualities and then put 'em back together in a roughly cody-shaped pile, besides being an embarrassingly small pile, it'd also fail to be i. There'd just be this vapid shell shaking your hand and being generally selfless toward you, maybe a bit along the lines of what those ubiquitous oddlings in your average Sanctuary want you to believe they really truly really are so that you'll conjoin yourself with their particular doctrinal flourish or will, at the very least, sign up for their network marketing scheme. [And the congregation chuckles warmly and on cue at the preacher's demagogic ribbing.]
But maybe that's not a fair model. (To be sure, i desperately hope it isn't a fair model.) Maybe the "new creation" i'll be, the "transformed mind" i'll comprise has more to do with choices i shall have made-- those being obviously very particular to the situations, temptations, environs, etc., i'll have lived through, and so very particular to who i am-- than any abstract qualities or works which i might very well possess, but which could be reconstituted as good qualities/ works quite without me showing up for the party. To get the sense of what i'm trying for, you could think of the choices i've made (which may have led to those good qualities/ works) as a cody-specific algorithm; no one else could have made those choices, so when the Judge judges and the corrupt is burned away, all that will remain are still-cody-specific good bits of code.
Maybe that's a li'l more contrived a way to say what i'm trying to say than is necessary. (Ogres are not like parfaits; ogres are like onions!) i've just been pitching about me here of late for a grasp of what i believe in, what i hope for. Believing in a worship-deserving God is not too huge a leap. Believing in, hoping for a Me that could endure through eternity (whatever that is: discuss) without any sort of Godless self-interest.... That's a taller order. i just know me well enough to be confident of my infinite capacity for the slimiest sorts of self-interest; i sometimes wonder where the good and noble bits of me reside and how they'd hold together without the dark, tortured matrix.
i'd love to read your thoughts, your models, your ideas of Heaven. While i have nothing against scripture (and even expect it), i'd appreciate it if you'd not huck some vaguely poignant passage Albuquerqueward like a holy hand-grenade and then scurry off with a satisfied smile. i'll return your gift in a bowl with the soupy consequence of cynical nausea {-o Get poetic or technical or mystical: with a faith like i know some of you have, i very much look forward to being encouraged by what you think you'll be in Heaven. Invite your friends and we'll have us a church-service ;-)
i was managing a li'l Self-transcendence whilst watching a fairly exciting thunderhead doing its very large, exciting thang in my rear-view, and i couldn't help cogitating on that very Self-transcendence with respect to Heaven: i was thinking of how awfully nice it'd be to be free from my Self there, how tired i am of me, how-- to shamelessly steal some Chris Rice-- "freedom from myself will be the greatest rest i've ever known." But then i thought if i'm so keen to be rid of me, what is it (approximately) that i'm hoping will endure eternally in Heaven. To consider that i'll still be me with the bad bits purged is to consider that there are some essentially good bits to me that are somehow me-defining, i.e., cody. Trouble is i can't imagine what that might be like. If i abstract from me all my good works and finer qualities and then put 'em back together in a roughly cody-shaped pile, besides being an embarrassingly small pile, it'd also fail to be i. There'd just be this vapid shell shaking your hand and being generally selfless toward you, maybe a bit along the lines of what those ubiquitous oddlings in your average Sanctuary want you to believe they really truly really are so that you'll conjoin yourself with their particular doctrinal flourish or will, at the very least, sign up for their network marketing scheme. [And the congregation chuckles warmly and on cue at the preacher's demagogic ribbing.]
But maybe that's not a fair model. (To be sure, i desperately hope it isn't a fair model.) Maybe the "new creation" i'll be, the "transformed mind" i'll comprise has more to do with choices i shall have made-- those being obviously very particular to the situations, temptations, environs, etc., i'll have lived through, and so very particular to who i am-- than any abstract qualities or works which i might very well possess, but which could be reconstituted as good qualities/ works quite without me showing up for the party. To get the sense of what i'm trying for, you could think of the choices i've made (which may have led to those good qualities/ works) as a cody-specific algorithm; no one else could have made those choices, so when the Judge judges and the corrupt is burned away, all that will remain are still-cody-specific good bits of code.
Maybe that's a li'l more contrived a way to say what i'm trying to say than is necessary. (Ogres are not like parfaits; ogres are like onions!) i've just been pitching about me here of late for a grasp of what i believe in, what i hope for. Believing in a worship-deserving God is not too huge a leap. Believing in, hoping for a Me that could endure through eternity (whatever that is: discuss) without any sort of Godless self-interest.... That's a taller order. i just know me well enough to be confident of my infinite capacity for the slimiest sorts of self-interest; i sometimes wonder where the good and noble bits of me reside and how they'd hold together without the dark, tortured matrix.
i'd love to read your thoughts, your models, your ideas of Heaven. While i have nothing against scripture (and even expect it), i'd appreciate it if you'd not huck some vaguely poignant passage Albuquerqueward like a holy hand-grenade and then scurry off with a satisfied smile. i'll return your gift in a bowl with the soupy consequence of cynical nausea {-o Get poetic or technical or mystical: with a faith like i know some of you have, i very much look forward to being encouraged by what you think you'll be in Heaven. Invite your friends and we'll have us a church-service ;-)
posted by c at 5:22 AM
2 Comments:
Hey jt, sorry it's taking me a while to respond. i was in the middle of a response last night and decided to slope off for some more coffee, when a co-worker decided in the two minutes i was gone to come in and log me off my computer for no discernable reason. After that, i was a little too outta sorts; but i do have some more to say. Please be patient. You guys have a blessed today, whenever you happen to read this.
That is very interesting stuff. i guess i haven't put much thought into a "Heaven" that is somehow still seperated from God. In fact, that is sorta the problem i'm having. If we're somehow swallowed up into God ("Which i have no problem with," he hastens to add as he nervously glances about whilst crossing himself) what will be left of us such that there is a point to our being here now? Very importantly, that's not to arrogantly suggest that there couldn't be a point; it's just very difficult to wrap my hardened, inadequate mind around. And i don't think that the idea of being swallowed up into God is by any means the archetypal view of Heaven; that's my own view. Only, i've become so accustomed to that view and have had so little exposure to any other view that it feels like the mainstream. It comes from the vision of the creatures and the elders around the throne who fall on their faces and worship forever and ever. So now you're walking in on the middle of a very long running internal argument i've been having with myself. It goes like this:
If there is a point to all this, this here, this now; if what we are now is to be redeemed, perfected; if we can continue being in the presence of perfect God without losing touch entirely with what we have been here (which would seemingly obviate our having been here) then it would require, first, a purging of our ungodliness and, second, an endless appreciation of-- and, so, the endless ability to appreciate-- that gift. [That was a terribly long sentence, but i don't know how to fix it. Sorry.] That "purging of our ungodliness" we can sorta grasp hold of in Christ. But the ability to endlessly appreciate that redemption, such that we could endlessly be at peace and be happy without the desire to turn away from God again to do our own thing... well. It seems to me that would require being overwhelmed, awash, so to speak, in the direct glory and presence of God-- like the elders and the four living creatures. A situation other than having my Self obliterated in the perfection of God would seem to leave room for my selfishness: the antithesis, it seems, of worship for God.
So it seems like a paradisein a new earth under a new heaven would still be a kind of distance from God. But maybe the Law will be different there and there won't be a tree of knowledge of Good and Evil there. That would be fine too. i think just knowing--knowing beyond even the shadow of a doubt that God is and is in control would be Heaven.
Thank you guys for fellowshipping with me. Please keep talking.
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